Alabama-The irony of celebrating both the civil rights leader and the Confederate general’s birthdays together is just so head-scratchingly astounding, I can’t even begin to comprehend. Then again, that’s Alabama for you… and the South in general. It’s the inconsistencies that are the spice of Southern life.

Alaska-You have to hand it to Alaska – no other state is as rugged, as outdoorsy, as jaw-dropping nuts as the icy state. I’ve never been myself, but whenever I close my eyes and think about Alaskans, I think about people who hunt and trap with one hand while building log cabins with the other.

Arizona-Only you can prevent forest fires, amirite? Also, this right here is the true essence of Arizona spirit: courage, nay – defiance – in the face of adversity. Who else but an Arizonan would make a joke about farting in the face of fire? I mean, Arizona is so dry, if you open your mouth, the heat would suck your saliva out. When you think of dry, dusty plains with tumbleweed rolling across it, you’re thinking about Arizona. It’s heart-achingly beautiful and proud, but the people are what makes Arizona great.

Arkansas-Enjoy the relaxing benefits of a bubbling spa and brew while also shooting your dinner for later — all in one place!It’s the perfect solution to that old “should I kill things or should I relax” dilemma, and it’s only possible in beautiful Arkansas. Also, note the glass of beer on the side of the jacuzzi – no fancy glass necessary. Straight from the bottle, just like God intended it.

California-Love is love is love… Even God said so, so how can you argue with that? California is the eternal optimist, and for good reason. After all, here is a state that waffles between earthquakes, tsunamis and wildfires. Also, there’s drought, did we mention that? California always seems poised on the brink of environmental disaster, which is why Californians squeeze the best of life from everything.

Colorado-Sure, there’s a lot more to Colorado than the legalization of the hippie lettuce, but you can get snow anywhere. What you can’t get, however, are people so happy, so goddamned pleased with themselves, but then, Colorado is one of those happy-go-lucky states.

Connecticut-On the other hand, Kevin Bacon, Kate Bosworth, and Paul Giamatti were also born in this state, so perhaps it all evens out in the end. Connecticut is the richest state in the Union. Millionaires and billionaires routinely swan about in their Teslas (you know, because its too gauche to actually flaunt the wealth) and retire to their massive estates for some much needed R&R. Oh, and it’s famously liberal, hence the reason why there’s all that apologizing for George Dubya.

Delaware-Flag on the play: indecent exposure!

Florida-Down in the Sunshine State, the Easter Bunny looks just a little bit different. See you later, Easter Gator. But what else can you expect from the wackiest, most out there state in the whole of the country? If anything strange, weird, or kooky happens in America, it happens in Florida. Bath salts, herpes-riddled monkeys, surfing manatees (I’m not sure those actually exist) – if it exists, it exists in Florida. Must the heat and the salt water…

Georgia-What? Did you expect peaches or something other than taxidermy? Alright, I’m gonna level with you here – Georgia is out there. You can go from the big city to the countries of country in 45 minutes flat and hop from ball gowns to dirt bike riding, or just do both, if that strikes your fancy. Georgia is out there because it’s – well, Georgia, and it’s a proud representative of the good old South. Oh, and it has hands down the best sweet tea anywhere… although it does come with a side of diabetes.

Hawaii-Aloha means “hello,” “goodbye,” and “what the hell is going on here?” Well, at least you can get lei’d,

Idaho-Come on, now. Idaho is the “gem” state and they things like…potatoes and, well, potatoes!

Illinois-They do things a little bit different in the Prairie State. After all, they need to protect themselves down in the Windy City from disappointed Cubs fans.

Indiana-Home of many plumbers and the butt of many jokes, Indiana is always somehow just a little bit behind.

Iowa-Holy cow! Imagine being the pooper scooper on the end of that walk.

Kansas-Auntie Em! Auntie Em! Somehow the Wizard of Oz would have been a little bit different if Dorothy had asked for a beer.

Kentucky-Points for selection and variety. Deductions for spelling, grammar, and just about everything else.

Louisiana-I mean yeah, huge ass beers to go are great and everything. But who doesn’t want to know more about the pirates they seem to have there?

Maine-Where every man is an island…of ice. With beer.

Maryland-If you don’t have crabs you will after spending time at Crabby Dick’s. And I also hear they have a bit of seafood to offer, too.

Massachusetts-Let’s go to Dunkies down the cape and then head out for a rippah! Translation: We’re going to Dunkin Donuts and then a party to avoid the storm.

Michigan-Where you can basically go through all four seasons in about four weeks. Yeah, there are great lakes, but more weather mood swings than a menopausal Mother Nature.

Minnesota-Their (sunglass-covered) eyes are up there, guys! Talk about making snow angels…

Mississippi-Known as the Magnolia State, you can find people like this delicate flower, ready to smoke and char anything you can cover with BBQ sauce. Hide the small family pets.

Missouri-The Show Me State will show you how to make an entrance at the next elementary school Field Day. Practical question though: how do the kids make up to the door?

Montana-“Don’t make dinner, Ma! We’ve got a surprise for you!”

Nebraska-Surf’s up, dude! What did you expect from the Cornhusker State?

Nevada-What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Unless you’re a lobster. Get that crazy crap out of here, you heathens.

New Hampshire-Let’s be optimistic here and say they mean only white paint, or white pants after Labor Day. Yes, let’s go with that.

New Jersey-Yes, it’s stereotypical to use a bunch of bros that look like they rolled around Cheeto dust, but would you expect anything less from the place that spurred Jersey Shore? New Jersey is known for its brash talk, its cannolis, and its sheer in-your-face attitude. Jersey folk tell it like it is and they do so with panache, flair, and a liberal side of hairspray.

New Mexico-“If it doesn’t scrape the pavement, it’s not a low-rider. It’s just another car with rims.”

New York-Are you sure it’s the Big Apple and not the Big Melons? Also worthy of note, the complete indifference of the police officers directly behind her. Gotta love NYC. What else can you expect from the big apple, the city of a thousand dreams and a thousand entrepreneurs? New York represents America’s hustle, its sheer indomitable spirit. New York is the city where dreams come true, and if your dream is to walk around in body paint and nothing else, then there’s space in New York for you.

North Carolina-Spelling and edumacation are important. Stay in shcool, kids.

North Dakota-“We just figured that in order to bring people in and get them interested in a sport where they shoot pucks at lightning speed, we should bribe them with the possibility of winning a weapon that shoots actual bullets at lightening speed. What could go wrong?” – Cal

Ohio-It’s fun to stay at the O-H-I-O. It’s fun to stay at the O-H-I-O. Young man, there’s no need to feel down. I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground. Oh, wait. Sorry about that. May you rest in peace.

Oklahoma-Why just have tires when you can have barrels and kegs there on your bike? Probably because that’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Oregon-Which one of these things is not like the other? Which one of these things just doesn’t belong?

Pennsylvania-Just going blading to the store to pick up some pop for our Amish pot luck tonight!

Rhode Island-Sure they’re known for sandy shores and seaside Colonial towns, but they should also be commended for giving lobsters cutlery so they stand a slight better chance of staying off the dinner plate and a butter bath.

South Carolina-Whatever happened to southern hospitality? Maybe it was swept away in the fumes from this vehicle that is obviously compensating for something.

South Dakota-To be fair, he doesn’t appear to be disturbing the prairie dogs. Unless he ate it. That’s a possibility.

Tennessee-Proving that the people wearing camouflage are usually the first people that you see — whether you want to or not. It’s like the Redneck Avengers, or something.

Texas-Everything’s bigger in Texas, including the line to hose down your heifer. If you want an undercoat wax, that’s going to cost you extra.

Utah-Yes, there’s more to Utah than alleged polygamy. But when you see cars driving around like this apparently repopulating the state one randy man at a time, you know it’s going to make the list.

Vermont-“Honey? Did you go out and skim the pool today? I think I see something out there.”

Virginia-Where Civil War reenactments aren’t just a hobby, they’re a way of life.

Washington-Yes, Colorado might be known for the wacky tobacky, but don’t forget about Washington. Anyone up for a brownie?

West Virginia-Beer? Check. Phone? Check. Naked guy on the shitter with a farmer’s tan on his legs? Unfortunately, check and check.

Wisconsin-This little beauty will let you enjoy both the Lake Michigan and Superior coastlines in the water and on the land. Two bird, one stone, people.

Wyoming-Why did the buffalo cross the road? No clue, but I’m not getting out of my car to find out the answer.