Two whales walk into a bar. The first whale walks up to the bartender and says “OOuuuYooOOOOooooeuueEEERrrrrrrrrr” The second whale looks at the first and says “Goddammit Steve, you’re so annoying when you’re drunk.” u/attack_rat

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, "Thank you." I said, "Don't mention it." u/degobrah

What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor... u/cmwpost

Did you know that before the invention of the crowbar, crows just drank at home? u/ElectricMayham

A sheep farmer has a talking dog. One day he asks it to get all his sheep into the pen. A little while later the dog says "job's done, all 40 sheep accounted for" "40!? I have 36 sheep, not 40" the farmer says. The dog replied "I know, I rounded them up" u/Ryandhamilton18

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three pints of Guiness. He takes them to a table and takes a drink from each one, alternating cups until all of them are empty. He comes back the next week and does the same. Three pints and takes a drink from each until they are all gone. The third time he comes in the barman, curious, asks why he drinks like that. "Oh it's for my brother's. We live all over the world and don't get to see each other very often. Doing this feels like we are all together once a week." "That's lovely." Says the barman and wishes him well. This continues for several years and the Irishman becomes something of a celebrity as the story circulates among the other regulars. Until one night, the man comes in and orders two pints. A hush falls over the bar as they watch him take his drinks and continue alternating like always but with a pint missing. The barman, who first asked him about the tradition feels compelled to go over. "I'm so sorry for your loss," he says pointing at the pints. Confused the Irishman looks at him before laughing and saying, "No, we're all fine. I just gave up drinking." u/LyesBe

A man walks into his son’s room. He says, "Son, if you keep playing with youreslf you’re going to go blind. The son goes, “I’m over here Dad.” u/Blastoplast

I told my doctor, “I broke my arm in three places.” He told me that I should stop going to those places. u/Left_Strike_2575

One day, a man is waxing the car with his son. His son looks up and says, "You know you can use a rag for this, right?" u/GuyForgotHisPassword

Doctor goes to write a note, and pulls a thermometer from his pocket. He says "Great, some a*****le has my pen." u/500SL

Did you hear about the guy that dipped his 'family jewels' in a jar of glitter? Pretty nuts, right? u/ApishGrapist

What did the drummer name her twin daughters? Ana 1, Ana 2 u/Effervescent_Swagger

Why did the bike fall over? It was two tired. u/Jotunheim99

A limbo champion walks into a bar. He was disqualified! u/JustSomeDude0nReddit

Two fish were in a tank. One fish looks at the other one and asks, "any idea how to drive this thing?" u/CaptainAwesome06

skeleton walks into a bar. bartender asks: what will you have? skeleton says: a beer and a mop. u/Saint_Eddie

what’s the number one cause of dry skin? towels u/--oi—

A guy finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and out pops a genie. "You have found my lamp," says the genie, "and in return I will grant you two wishes." "Isn't it supposed to be three wishes?" says the guy. "Look in your pants," the genie replies. The guy looks in his pants. "Holy cow!" he exclaims. "My thang is huge now!" "Yeah," says the genie. "I've been in this business for a while." u/mossadspydolphin

Why does the Buddhist monk never vacuum his furniture? Because he has no attachments. u/mcnaughtier

A man is walking through the woods when he finds a suitcase. Curled up under the suitcase are a fox and four cubs. He immediately calls animal control to report what he found. “Oh no that’s terrible,” says the animal control worker, “are they moving?” “I dunno,” says the man, “but I guess that would explain the suitcase.” u/konydanza