During a court hearing today, federal prosecutors revealed that they discovered a note written by Ryan Wesley Routh that seemingly confirms his intention to assassinate former President Donald Trump.





The note is… dumb. The handwritten note features vague political ramblings (which seems pretty on-brand for Routh), along with an offer to pay $150,000 to “whomever can finish the job,” conveniently ignoring the fact that anyone who assassinates a President is going to end up dead or in prison forever. Also, small nitpick: All morals aside, that’s not enough money, right? Like, this money is basically imaginary and won’t ever get paid so you may as well offer $10 million or something more interesting.


The fact that the note is the half-baked scribblings of a certified dumbass is not shocking, given that his entire plan was pretty fucking stupid. But beyond Routh’s incompetent planning, there’s also a history of maniacal moronic manifestos. Honestly, pretty much every manifesto released by a mass shooter or would-be assassin reads like the drunken diary of the most annoying idiot you know.


Why are these manifestos overwhelmingly underwhelming? It’s pretty simple: despite the ‘twisted genius’ narratives drummed up in popular culture, most of these people are a lot less like Hannibal Lecter and a lot more like Travis Bickle. Beyond the obvious hateful, bigoted rhetoric you’d expect to find, these manifestos make it clear that the writers are lonely, angry, self-loathing, whiny losers who haven’t really thought any of this through. Don’t believe me? Here are some of the dumbest manifestos in history to prove it.


Ted Kaczynski (The Unabomber)


The most famous manifesto since Marx & Engels, Kaczynski’s 35-page screed denounces the Industrial Revolution for getting us all too reliant on technology, ultimately robbing us all of our true freedom. So basically, it’s the exact same uninspired, pseudo-intellectual nonsense we’ve all had to endure from some smug douchebag at a party. Except in this case, it’s used as justification for a nationwide mail bombing campaign that killed 3 people.


And beyond that, the entire message is fucking dumb. Is the fact that we are all addicted to our phones bad? Yes (which, by the way, wasn’t even an issue when Kaczynski started murdering people). And is labor exploitation caused by technology an issue? Also yes. But the childish idea that we should all abandon technology and go back to the forests sounds nice but, as Norwegian philosopher Ole Martin Moen pointed out, ignores the fact technology has inarguably made life better.


“In assessing the effects of technology on human life, Kaczynski considers only the negative effects,” Moen wrote. “This makes him leave out from his inquiry a number of very important facts, such as the fact that prior to the industrial revolution, all countries in the world had a living standard comparable to today's standard in Africa south of the Sahara, and that since the late 18th century, the global average life expectancy at birth has more than doubled. It is hard to deny that these are real improvements and that they were made possible by technologies, perhaps most centrally artificial fertilizers, agricultural machinery, water chlorination, sewer systems, antibiotics, and vaccines. It is also hard to deny that a wide range of other technologies—reading glasses, painkillers, printing presses, light bulbs, pianos, music recordings, trains—have enriched the lives of billions.”


So the next time some cocky contrarian tries to argue that Kaczynski made some good points, kindly tell them they are wrong and should shut the fuck up.



Seung-Hui Cho


Before he senselessly ended the lives of 32 fellow undergraduates at Virginia Tech in 2007, Seung-Hui Cho wrote out his gripes with humanity and the world in a 23-page manifesto. And to call it garbage would be an insult to garbage.


Like far too many murderers, the 23-year-old delusionally painted himself as some innocent, pure victim as he planned to murder a bunch of completely innocent people. In the 23 pages of absolute nonsense is references to the Columbine shooters as ‘martyrs’ and a whole lot of self-pity. He also clearly thought his writing would come across as brilliant and deep when, in fact, it comes across as pathetic and embarrassing.


“You have never felt a single ounce of pain in your hedonistic lives,” Cho wrote. “You will never give up a single can of your Bud Light, a shot of your cognac, or a half-drop of your own precious blood for another human being, only fuck the shit out of him and lie afterwards.”


Elliot Roger


Roger was a rich, spoiled brat who had everything handed to him in life and still felt like the world was unfair to him because he wasn’t blessed with the one thing money can’t buy: a decent personality. The fact that no girls wanted to date him and no guys wanted to be friends with him made him furious, so on May 23, 2014, he decided to murder six people near the University of California, Santa Barbara (UCSB) in Isla Vista, California.


In the months leading up to the shooting, Roger recorded a series of videos where he clearly tried to present himself as a supervillain, complete with an evil laugh and a nickname he gave himself (The Supreme Gentleman). He also left behind a 107,000-word manifesto title My Twisted World: The Story of Elliot Rodger. It is the most narcissistic bullshit that will make anyone’s blood boil.



Tobias Rathjen


This far-right extremist slaughtered 9 people in Germany and released Skript mit Bilder, a 24-page thesis statement that confirms this dude was overflowing with paranoid delusions of granduer.


The 43-year-old identified himself as a racist incel who insisted the only reason he hadn’t been in a relationship in 20 years was "out of a fear of the state surveilling him.” He also claimed that Donald Trump had stolen his slogans and (very wrongly) felt he would be seen as a hero, instead of the monstrous piece of shit he actually is.


Connor James Sturgeon


This one is frustrating because Sturgeon, who fatally shot 5 people at the Old National Bank in Louisville, Kentucky, wrote about how frustrating it is that it is so hard to get proper mental health care in the US but so easy to get a hold of guns. Those are two very good points but you know what the correct response to those very real issues is? I’m not sure but it is definitely not getting one of those guns and killing five people for no reason, you fucking asshole.