Why go through the trouble of buying a buttplug when you could simply shove antiques up your a—?

For one kilt-wearing villain dubbed the “Butt Pirate,” this question isn’t a hypothetical but a way of life, the alleged pooting perp terrorizing antique stores in Spring, Texas by shoving vintage goods up his booty.

@tizzyent

Spring TX antique shops are under siege from a literal butt pirate.

♬ Creepy simple horror ambient(1270589) - howlingindicator

On Monday, @Tizzyent headed to TikTok with purported security footage of the kilted horndog, sharing a clip depicting the Butt Pirate grabbing what appears to be a spoon off of a display table, taking it in his hand, and popping it in while hiding behind a bird cage.

“Anyone who has ever had a small child they were potty training knows that look,” @Tizzyent explained while zooming into the man. “Only he’s not pushing something out, he’s pushing something in.”

Though the bottomless patron ultimately came — hopefully only — to his senses, popping the spoon out of his orifice and placing it directly back where he found it, this was far from a one-time incident.

“Just in case there was any doubt, he wasn’t done,” @Tizzyent continued. “He saw something else that caught his eye, he picks up and looks at and then does his little horsey stomp and proceeds to keister it, as they say in the prison system.”

While the Butt Pirate opted to end his reign of rectal terror after the second instance, he picked up his pastime at other stores, a tidbit the antique store owner discovered after reaching out to similar small businesses in the area.

“One of those shop owners called her and said ‘Guess who I have on camera?’” @Tizzytent recalled the additional footage, one that also depicts the man performing his signature “horsey stomp” before shoving an item up his a—hole yet again.

Considering this pattern, the creator — like all of us — had questions about this guy’s apparent kink.

“What does he do in Walmart? What does he do in a CVS?” he asked. “Is he just looking for random items that he can shove up there and then put back on the shelves for other people to touch and purchase?”

As we grapple with these existential quandaries, we can only hope the Butt Pirate is quickly apprehended  … and that he is very up-to-date on all of his tetanus shots.