In a world where nothing is certain, one man is on a mission — beat off in as many houses as possible.

The man in question is Scott Allen Schultz, a 60-year-old from Michigan who Law and Crime notes has “a history of sex-related crimes” (I can’t imagine for what). Earlier this month, Schultz was taken into custody after “he was caught on surveillance cameras attempting to break into several homes in a residential area and masturbating outside at least one of them.” He also was accused of “exposing himself via at least one Ring Doorbell camera.”

Of course, this is a problem by itself. You should not break into houses, and you definitely should not jerk it in front of your neighbor’s Ring Doorbell. However, Schultz is not your everyday smash-and-tugger — and to hear him tell it, this is all one big misunderstanding.

While he was being arraigned, Schultz interrupted the judge to say that there was more to the story than it initially appeared. “Your honor, if I can interrupt you, I’m on a mission I have to complete by year’s end,” the Jesse Ventura-sounding man says to the judge. Before he can explain exactly what that mission is, the prosecutor interrupts him, saying that she would “ask that you reserve that.”

The fact that we will never know his true mission is a crime in and of itself. However, the authorities may have more insight than they’re letting on — according to Commander Jason Abro of the Macomb County Sheriff’s Office, they’re aware of “what his motives were and what he was attempting to do.”

But unlike Schultz, they refuse to reveal anything else.